i long for the day

i set up this blog just over a fortnight ago. i needed somewhere to place the worries knotted in my head. writing this is not cathartic, but it allows me – line by line – to untangle one worry from another.

the blog also documents my daughter’s recovery. little by little, bit by bit.

i’m not sure i know what ‘recovery’ will be like. will it be as if this never happened? will we be back to where we were before?

so much has gone from her, from this family, from our home. it’s hard to imagine it back.

i long for the day when she will barge out of the house again and my husband will complain that if she carries on banging the door like that, it will fall out of its frame. i long for that day. and for the day when she puts on her roller skates and pirouettes along the corridor. and for the day when she’s out cycling with her friends or trying to catch squirrels with crisps at scout camp.

it’s been three months since diagnosis; that she used to be able to do any of these things seems incredible. it all seems so far away, as if i’m looking back a decade or more – time refracts.

i do believe she will recover. i try not to worry.

my child is incredible.


2 Comments on “i long for the day”

  1. Anni says:

    And so are you.

  2. thank you, Anni. i feel so impotent. i have felt such anger and despair. i think i’m better able to set that to one side now, but there are times when it all just folds back in again. i think perhaps it is best not to look too far ahead (or to the past either) – what we have is now and the immediate sense of moving on from that. at the end of each day, we have that to look back on, and that is enough.

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