little blue pills

amitriptyline 10mg.

one, then two, then three.

pluses: a child who has her chatter back, who settles in the evening, is asleep by 10, and rarely wakes in pain at night.

minuses: a child completely zonked in the morning; a child with sudden fears of death and dying – fears that push up from her subconscious and surface, wanting air.

a week ago, and on the advice of the psychologist, we reduced the dose to two 10 mg tablets.

since then she has been less tired in the morning, but in more pain at night.

last night was the worst night for a while, and this morning she was in worse pain again. today was a school day, but she only coped with 20 mins. she is due to go in again this afternoon to join an art class. i’m writing this. she’s on the sofa, crying.

the options look stark: drugged up child in less pain; wakeful child in more pain – pain that is already reining her back in.

what kind of a choice is that?


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